Wednesday, 11 February 2015

I Am So Bad



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  • I haven't blogged in two weeks
  • I haven't done anything to work on my goals
  • I haven't been following my New Year's Resolutions
  • I haven't been making the most of my spare time
  • I haven't packed for my holiday that's in 3 days
  • I haven't tidied up in what feels like weeks
  • I haven't been eating well
  • I haven't been keeping track of my spending

There, I said it. At the moment I'm feeling very sorry for myself (but let's be honest, when am I not?), and have entered into the perpetual cycle of procrastination. I can't be bothered to do anything productive, then I get miserable because I haven't achieved anything, and that leads me to not want to do anything. This cycle goes on and on and on and on, and I don't think it ever can truly be broken. At least not for me. I was listening to an episode of Elise Gets Crafty, and one of her guests mentioned that she needs as much time off as time working. That may sound like a copout, but it made me realise that I do too. Some procrastinators don't like doing work, but I'm not one of them. I like using my brain, I always have, BUT, only when I want to. There's a set of strict conditions that must be met in order for me to be able to work. 

For example, when I was studying for my university exams, I would do an hour of work, followed by an episode of a TV show (I think at that time I was re-watching all of Supernatural). That may sound stupid, and granted, I didn't do very well in my exams, but it was the only way I found that I was able to work all day. If I tried what my friends did, or what study skills teachers had told me in the past, to do blocks of three to four hours at a time, I would never have got past 10am. By constantly 'rewarding' myself with treats and 'me-time', I was able to switch my brain back on when I needed to. I still wasn't able to work full days, as I get headaches very easily (if I don't eat or drink enough, if I have too much or too little sleep, if the lights are too bright or too dim, if I get stressed out or embarrassed etc.), and when I've got a headache my motivation level goes from little to none. 

A few weeks ago I went to the Sunday Assembly, an Atheist Church of sorts. I enjoyed it, though it was still way too preachy for me, and it really made me think. Towards the end of the service the founder made his closing remarks and told us that he was in therapy for Chronic Procrastination. He laughed, and the whole audience laughed. I immediately thought of the friend sitting next to me who struggled throughout university, I think for this exact reason, and it made me realise that that is not something that I have. When I want to work, I want to work, and I can be very productive, but when I don't want to work, I tend to just lie in bed and do passive things like watching Netflix or YouTube videos. Ideally I'd like to create a balance in my spare time, between active and passive activities. Active things like going to the gym, reading and writing are great, but sometimes I do just need to lie down and absorb some good old television. 

It's been good to write about this, even if it is only me who understands it, but it is a bit miserable, so I'm going to try and end on a positive note. I was talking to my dad the other day about how, as individuals, we are the centre of our own universe, and I am as guilty of this as the next person, maybe even more so. I value my opinion over everyone else's, and get surprised when people do something I haven't predicted. It's because of this that I still have trouble digesting that key principle that 'everyone is different'. Some people are able to work 10 hour days and come home to work on their personal projects, and some people drift through life never actively making an decision for themselves. What this is leading to is that I need to stop comparing myself to other people. I am an individual, and no one else out there is exactly quite like me, I can do certain things and I can't do certain other things, but that's alright. So, with all of that said, although I've been able to make a list of all the things I haven't done over the last few weeks, I'm also able to make a list of the things I have. 

  • I have started reading a book, Fated by Benedict Jacka
  • I have (almost) caught up on Parks and Rec
  • I have re-merchandised a good majority of the shop I work in
  • I have received a lot of praise from my manager
  • I have been inspired by Wildlife Photographer of the Year and Ex Machina
  • I have been to the doctor twice, and got everything I needed
  • I have been to Hummingbird with my friends
  • I have been to Yo! Sushi with my dad
  • I have had several 10,000+ steps days (courtesy of my Fit Bit)
  • I have painted my nails
  • I have bought 15 books (this one is teetering between both lists)
  • I have watched the Fault in Our Stars
  • I have bought a new (very expensive) backpack

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