Monday 3 August 2015

It's August?!?!

I feel like I begin way too many of these posts with 'I'm sorry I've not posted in so long', so instead of saying that, I'm going to try and explain why. As you guys know/have inferred from my posts, I suffer with mental illness (but it seems like everyone does nowadays right?). I see the world in a different way, and sometimes this means everything is absolutely fantastic, but other times it's horrendous. I graduated from university in July 2014, and I thought getting out of there would end all my problems, but boy was I wrong. 

I was depressed all through university, for one reason or another, but thought that graduating and completing that phase of my life would end all my worries. However, moving on from over fifteen years of structured education to living 'life', was a transition I've still not got to grips with. Going from knowing what I'll be doing for the next year(s), to not knowing where I'll be next week has been more than tough. I had a job from November 2014 to March 2015, and although I started off enjoying it, by the end I wanted to kill myself. I felt like everyone was taking advantage of me, and that I was the only one doing any work. Looking back now, I'm sure I was just seeing what I wanted to see, but when you're in the moment, things can seem ten times worse.

After leaving my job I went to visit my friend in France. It was all going fine until my brain went into overdrive. For a bit of context, I'd not seen these friends since September, and although we lived together through university, and practically spent every single day together for 3 years, we'd slightly drifted apart after leaving (not really a surprise as we all moved back home). Firstly, I think I'd put too much pressure on this trip, it was going to be amazing! We were going to have the best time! Obviously thinking like this means that when things don't go amazingly, they seem all the worse. Anyway, back to the story, we all got drunk one night, and something was said that really offended me. The next day I brought it up when everyone was sober, and not only did the friend agree with what they'd said the night before, they didn't even apologise for how upset it made me. Unfortunately we've not really spoken since then, and that was in March. 

Anyway, then I got back and my dad had a quadruple bypass operation! I had to look after him for a while, but now he's fine. I think he's depressed though which is fantastic. He already has a bleak outlook on life, but now it seems like anything positive he manages to spin into a horrible negative. So, now we're in June and I'm feeling absolutely horrendous. I feel so close to just jumping off a bridge. I don't, instead I go home and start googling jobs abroad. Somehow I find volunteering opportunity in Greece, email them, and have signed up for a six week placement with them starting the following week. Sometimes I'm a little impulsive. 

Fast forward to now, and I've just come back from my six weeks in Greece. On the whole, I had a great time. I met loads of fantastic people, spend lots of time on the beach, and completely redesigned their website. However, I still had episodes of depression. It was horrible while I was out there, but it's made me realise that my illness is exactly that, an illness! It's not something I can help. Even when I'm in the sun, hanging out with loads of friends, I still manage to be sad. I've spoken to the doctor, and I'm on the waiting list to see an NHS counsellor. Hopefully that'll help.

So, the long and short of it is, I want to blog. I think. Well, I have some ideas for posts over the following weeks, and I hope I manage to write them. The pictures I've used throughout this post are just random ones taken on my phone since March. I don't have my septum ring in anymore - it fell out and I was too squeamish to put it back in! See you guys soon with about a million pictures of Greece!

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